"Whenever I’m with friends, whether it be just a few people or a whole squad, I’m usually the ‘mother’ figure within the group. It just comes naturally to me; I love to bake pastries and give them to my friends, always nag them about staying safe and to make good choices, and treat them as if they were my own family.
Sometimes, I feel as if I don’t know when to stop ‘parenting’ them. I have this dependency issue where I latch myself on to people I’ve gotten closer to and become almost obsessed with them. I constantly start conversations with them, treat them to boba tea or coffee, and invite them to almost anything I do outside of school. At some point, I begin to make my life revolve around them.
I’m still not exactly sure why that happens, but I believe it’s because I value anyone who would just talk to me and listen to what I had to say. I’ve had anxiety since I was in elementary school and that has always made me feel like the outcast. It got to the point where I would have so many anxiety attacks that my teachers didn’t know how to handle me, so they would pull a desk out in the hall for me to sit in until I calmed down. Because of that, I grew up believing that having anxiety would only keep people away from me.
As I learned to socialize with others, I would latch on to those who I opened up to. I felt valued and cared for when someone listened to me talk about my anxiety. They provided me with a comfort zone. I just wanted to surround myself with their presence. This is what started the dependency issue; when I wasn’t with my friends, I was miserable. I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety while I was by myself.
It only got worse in high school. My underclassman years were definitely the toughest ones. I tried seeking professional help but therapy and counseling felt like temporary solutions. It would take years for their advice to actually change my life permanently and I didn’t have the patience for that. I figured that I knew myself better than they ever could, so I continued to try fixing my anxiety problem on my own.
During my junior year, I became friends with the most amazing people I’ve ever met. They have been one of my biggest support systems in my life. But, getting close to them was bittersweet because I started caring for them more than I cared for myself. They were my top priority. I put them before myself in any situation. In my mind, I owed them all of my compassion because dealing with me was a struggle. I felt like I was a burden with all of my problems, so I had to make it up to them. I gave my friends everything I had: my time, love, money, and attention. Seeing them appreciate me meant the world.
While I was making sure my friends were happy, I completely ignored my own needs. I thought if I could make others happy, then I would be happy. That was true, but only in the moment. Once I got home, I was overcome with sadness. This happened so many times that I started believing that I was cursed to always have a horrible night if I had fun throughout the day. Why was I like this? I didn’t have a reason to be sad, yet I would cry myself to sleep every time I hung out with friends.
It wasn’t until my first year in college when I started to figure out the cause of my depression. I felt underappreciated and upset that my friends didn’t go out of their way like I did. I had so many expectations from them. I like to believe that I follow the saying “treat others the way you wanted to be treated.” I didn’t realize that the way I treated my friends was the same way someone would treat a person who needs a lot of emotional support.
I wouldn’t have come to this realization without the support of my current boyfriend. After many nights of crying, hours of calming me down, and emotional conversations, he made me realize that all of these years of trying to help myself haven’t worked. He brought up the option of taking medication to treat my anxiety. I was hesitant at first, but after one of the worst mental breakdowns I’ve had in my life, I was desperate to find any sort of relief. This past summer, I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me two medications: one to take daily to treat my anxiety, and the other to only take while I was having a mental breakdown and couldn’t calm down.
I’m so proud to say that I’m doing a lot better now. Of course, my problems didn’t disappear and I still face my anxiety every day, but coping with it has been easier. My support system is also been stronger than ever. I’ve had a few episodes this semester, but it’s nothing compared to what I was going through last year. I feel less dependant on others and learned to give people their space, as well as give myself some distance from others whenever I need to. I might still be clingy to friends sometimes, but that’s because I genuinely love hanging out with them. Their time and company is valuable to me, so I’ve learned to appreciate it rather than take it for granted like I used to.
My take away message would be to make sure you take care of yourself before you try to help others. I can’t stress that enough. You are the most important person in your life, and no matter what happens to you, you’ll always be left with yourself. Mental health is a challenge that everyone faces at one point, so don’t be afraid of seeking help or reaching out to others. Also, don’t be afraid of taking medication. I can promise that you won’t become a different person if you do.
I’m lucky to have the people who tolerated and supported me throughout the way. To anyone reading this: don’t hesitate to approach someone (or even me!) if you need help. Closing yourself off from others perpetuates the problem. Opening up can help heal the wound before it scars. "
Sometimes, I feel as if I don’t know when to stop ‘parenting’ them. I have this dependency issue where I latch myself on to people I’ve gotten closer to and become almost obsessed with them. I constantly start conversations with them, treat them to boba tea or coffee, and invite them to almost anything I do outside of school. At some point, I begin to make my life revolve around them.
I’m still not exactly sure why that happens, but I believe it’s because I value anyone who would just talk to me and listen to what I had to say. I’ve had anxiety since I was in elementary school and that has always made me feel like the outcast. It got to the point where I would have so many anxiety attacks that my teachers didn’t know how to handle me, so they would pull a desk out in the hall for me to sit in until I calmed down. Because of that, I grew up believing that having anxiety would only keep people away from me.
As I learned to socialize with others, I would latch on to those who I opened up to. I felt valued and cared for when someone listened to me talk about my anxiety. They provided me with a comfort zone. I just wanted to surround myself with their presence. This is what started the dependency issue; when I wasn’t with my friends, I was miserable. I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety while I was by myself.
It only got worse in high school. My underclassman years were definitely the toughest ones. I tried seeking professional help but therapy and counseling felt like temporary solutions. It would take years for their advice to actually change my life permanently and I didn’t have the patience for that. I figured that I knew myself better than they ever could, so I continued to try fixing my anxiety problem on my own.
During my junior year, I became friends with the most amazing people I’ve ever met. They have been one of my biggest support systems in my life. But, getting close to them was bittersweet because I started caring for them more than I cared for myself. They were my top priority. I put them before myself in any situation. In my mind, I owed them all of my compassion because dealing with me was a struggle. I felt like I was a burden with all of my problems, so I had to make it up to them. I gave my friends everything I had: my time, love, money, and attention. Seeing them appreciate me meant the world.
While I was making sure my friends were happy, I completely ignored my own needs. I thought if I could make others happy, then I would be happy. That was true, but only in the moment. Once I got home, I was overcome with sadness. This happened so many times that I started believing that I was cursed to always have a horrible night if I had fun throughout the day. Why was I like this? I didn’t have a reason to be sad, yet I would cry myself to sleep every time I hung out with friends.
It wasn’t until my first year in college when I started to figure out the cause of my depression. I felt underappreciated and upset that my friends didn’t go out of their way like I did. I had so many expectations from them. I like to believe that I follow the saying “treat others the way you wanted to be treated.” I didn’t realize that the way I treated my friends was the same way someone would treat a person who needs a lot of emotional support.
I wouldn’t have come to this realization without the support of my current boyfriend. After many nights of crying, hours of calming me down, and emotional conversations, he made me realize that all of these years of trying to help myself haven’t worked. He brought up the option of taking medication to treat my anxiety. I was hesitant at first, but after one of the worst mental breakdowns I’ve had in my life, I was desperate to find any sort of relief. This past summer, I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me two medications: one to take daily to treat my anxiety, and the other to only take while I was having a mental breakdown and couldn’t calm down.
I’m so proud to say that I’m doing a lot better now. Of course, my problems didn’t disappear and I still face my anxiety every day, but coping with it has been easier. My support system is also been stronger than ever. I’ve had a few episodes this semester, but it’s nothing compared to what I was going through last year. I feel less dependant on others and learned to give people their space, as well as give myself some distance from others whenever I need to. I might still be clingy to friends sometimes, but that’s because I genuinely love hanging out with them. Their time and company is valuable to me, so I’ve learned to appreciate it rather than take it for granted like I used to.
My take away message would be to make sure you take care of yourself before you try to help others. I can’t stress that enough. You are the most important person in your life, and no matter what happens to you, you’ll always be left with yourself. Mental health is a challenge that everyone faces at one point, so don’t be afraid of seeking help or reaching out to others. Also, don’t be afraid of taking medication. I can promise that you won’t become a different person if you do.
I’m lucky to have the people who tolerated and supported me throughout the way. To anyone reading this: don’t hesitate to approach someone (or even me!) if you need help. Closing yourself off from others perpetuates the problem. Opening up can help heal the wound before it scars. "
